Reset

Yesterday, I fell prey to a computer virus. Not knowing any better, I did exactly what I shouldn't have done and, in return, was left with a sick, sick computer.

I spent all of that late evening and much of the morning trying to fix my computer wrongdoing. I tried uploading new software and uninstalling old. I tried ignoring the propaganda about Trojans and worms.

Worst of all, I found a reason not to write.

So I asked for help. As my husband was disgnosing the situation, my daughter came in my study and very sheepishly said: 'Mom, did you ...' and went ahead to describe exactly what I had done. There was empathy in the arms that landed on my shoulder when I said, 'yes.' I felt that and the weight of smug experience.

'I did the same thing and Trevor just reset the computer back to a couple days ago. It worked. It was like the whole thing never happened, mom,' she said.

It was that easy. And, it worked -- just like it never happened. Of course since most of the work I did in the last two days were saved on this blog (Thanks, Blogger!), it really was like the past two days did not take place. I had a chance, from scratch, to not only unravel my computer entanglements but to be free to decide how to redo my personal laptop reality. To instantly learn from the error of my btye ways and regroup. Reassess. Relive.

Would it be that my life was as easy to reset -- even if it were just for the past two weeks. What would I do? I would have done a better job with the daily self treatments. I would have done it more regularly; and a more perfect following of the treatment regiment.

And, that as bored as I sometimes may get with the treatments, I shouldn't ever just not do them. The daily treatments are central to deepening my relationship and understanding of Reiki -- there is no other way to get there.

But, of course, there is no way to reset that and yet retain the memories I want to keep. So, I guess I have to be content with my 21-day experience -- as imperfect as I now come to view them -- and work on applying the new insights I've gained to the more important present -- the Now.

Day 5: A game

It's amazing why we do the things we do.

It's 10 p.m., and all I want to do is to go to bed but I feel compelled to post an entry. Can't mess up so early in the game. About a week ago, I would be watching tv about now until I hit comatose, get to bed and then wake up the next day, week, month wondering why I never have time to write. I would be woefully longing but superficially content and that, of course, wasn't quite good enough. I had to set up a structure -- a game -- to force myself to write. Like I didn't have enough guilt.

So now, I am cranky and tired, but hey, I'm writing. (Boy, do I need a Reiki treatment). Is it really worth the effort? Is the discipline to keep practicing the craft worth the while? If words exist only in the mindscape of an author, written in virtual space, would they still have meaning?

Perhaps not. But I'm hopeful that at the end of the 21 days, my accomplishment would not so much be the number of people who've read my posts but that I have written and practiced Reiki for three weeks straight. That I might shed the weight of perfectionism my mind is putting on my writing, for the lightness of 'this is good enough.' Why, I might even crave the comfort of a routine.

Until then, count on a good fight from Ms. Resistance.

-----------------------------------------

Reiki update:

Half hour in the morning. Going strong ...

Day 4: Going light

"Beware another practice pitfall: perfectionism" ~Pamela Miles

Don't let perfectionism keep you from practicing, she says. If a full treatment seems too much, start small. When you're ready, add another placement -- one at a time.

Go light, I think is what she means. Well, tonight, I'm going 'light' -- not with Reiki but with the practice of writing. Tonight, I'm letting these (small) words go -- go easy, go light -- despite how imperfect they are to me (the words are not mine, I didn't add enough, the entry is not creative ...), they will have to do.

Afterall, some Reiki/writing is better than none. And just for now, it's good enough.

Pam will be proud.

-------------------------------------------------

Reiki update:

I managed some random practiced moments today: I placed my hands on the solar plexis and was surprised to feel my hands 'activated.' They were heating up from the inside like the other time I was at the Center practicing with a volunteer. I always thought it was the Center, being abundant with Reiki energy that caused the activation. But at work? Maybe it was became I was having an extra challenging day and my solar plexis needed a good flush of fresh energy. Who knows?

Day 1: Initiations -- a beginning

Already my routine is broken.

It's Saturday and instead of waking up at 5 to do my half-hour Reiki self-treatments, I woke up at 8 a.m. and feel like I've already missed the perfect window of meditative opportunity. The house is no longer sleep-still, my bird chorus timer doesn't seem to quite go with the sunlight and my mind's already racing to get its 60,000 thoughts into the hopper.

So many reasons why it just isn't the perfect time.

It's the same with writing -- you have to find the perfect time/place/pen/topic to write. How can anything less than perfect lend itself to the piece de resistance I need to blaze my literary trail? I am only doing myself a favor by trying to identify that One Perfect Moment. Or, that perfect paragraph, or title or eight-point arc.

When I was receiving the first of four attunements during my Level I Reiki class, I was the only one in the group of 10 who did not enjoy the same experience as the others. It was as if I was in a different class all together. During my attunement, I felt clammy hands on mine and a reminiscent whiff of the Master's lunch when she blew on me to complete the ritual. The music in the background sounded soothing at first but then just got plain repetitive toward the end. As much as I tried to visualize a spot two inches down from my navel and then back toward the tail bone, all I could think about was whether I had an a pair of clean, matching socks in my trunk for my cold, bare feet.

It was far from Perfect.

I wanted so much from this session and already in the first half hour, I was crushed. The urge to get up and out of that circle of energy-feeling, light-seeing people to 'get the socks from the car' (and then putting them on in the comfort of my home) -- was strong. I wanted to leave. It was not right to start with, why keep going? But, I came clean and told the Master about the experience I wasn't having, and, under my breathe said: your attunement must not have worked, give me my money back.

"Be easy with it,'' she said. "Some people might see colors as they do this more and more, but some never will. I never have."

Be easy with it. Is that like ... letting go? In a split Tibetan chime second, I saw my path to Reiki. I always try too hard, hope too hard, work too hard, want too hard. My life is clenched between the end of one second to the start of another, and then another, and another. It's almost as if I loosened my hold, something might fall through the cracks between my fingers.

But, it might also let something new come in.

I invited in the energy to play at the next attunement that day. I loosened up (as best I knew how). And something found its way in. At first I thought I was dozing off -- rocking in my seat from the (still) repetitive drone of the Sanskrit chant. But then my body started spiraling anticlockwise, like it had caught on to some kind of energy slipstream, spinning around my center with a force that wasn't mine. I tried to spiral in the opposite direction and I immediately lost the flow, my movement became contrived -- directed by the kinetics of my own body, not the free flowing motion of being in the wake of something fluid, something bigger. Something outside of me.

I stopped, felt for the slipstream of energy and jumped back in. It felt like home.

And so, a beginning. Nothing sublime or colorful but it was a start and it was for me to call my own.

It's time to do a Reiki session. I have four more hours before Day 2 of the retreat. One of the hours will be perfect enough for me.